Dispatch #1

J.P.'s Pre-Olympic Report
From: J.P. Ugly. Somewhere in Australia. 10 June, 2000

The largest group of athletes (beer drinkers) ever seen in Oz will soon arrive on our sunny shores as we (the Aussie drinker) prepare for that event to end all events, the Olympic Games. There was some talk when we first bought, sorry, won the right to host the Games, of turning it into some sort of sporting event. Well that rumour was soon quashed, although I believe there will be some selected sports taking place at various venues as entertainment.

We have been in bloody serious training for years now and we reckon we can whip all comers or fall over in the attempt. No can has been left unopened in our search for a champion team. Light beer has been banned at training sessions and we have now resorted to altitude training on the top floor of the local gym/pub ' The Chunder Arms'.

Selection trials for the national team took place over a one-week Drinkathon at Darling Harbour, Sydney. This venue was chosen basically for the fact that most of resultant pollution would be washed out to sea (and hopefully deposited on the coast of New Zealand). The provisional team is at present 5,170 so a number of ' Drink Offs' will be arranged before the final team of 4,890 is picked

The serious and contentious subject of drug testing has been addressed and the following policy set in place. Any contestant observed walking in a straight line (minimum distance 10 metres) will immediately be tested. If found to have blood/alcohol reading of less than 0.1 they will be disqualified. A slab (24 cans) of full-strength beer must accompany any appeal.

The Olympic Flame is now on the way from Greece, soon to arrive on our shore, it will travel round the country, lighting thousands of Olympic Bar-B-Qs before arriving in Sydney to light the big one!

Seats at all venues are now as rare as hen's teeth so bring your own fold-up chair or an esky.

Well I look forward to seeing heaps of foreign buggers over here come September. May the Games be a big success and the best team win (as long as they are one of ours)!

Dispatch #2

The Olympic Spirit burns bright in Sydney

FROM J.P. UGLY. SOMEWHERE IN AUSTRALIA.

Well as the Olympic Zippo wends its way around Australia, stopping at every wombat burrow along the way I bid you greetings from the Land Down Under. By the time the torch reaches Sydney it will have passed through 90% of Australia's cities, towns and villages. The enthusiasm has been tremendous. At every stop, local dignitaries, personalities and sports stars have run a relay through the area culminating with the lighting of an Olympic Flame to burn overnight and then resuming the journey to the final destinationStadium Australia!

Tension is mounting now as we get closer to the big event. Most of it is coming from the Sydney Olympic Games Organising Committee (S.O.G.O.G.) who are worried about the following: transportation, opening ceremonies, ticketing, drugs, drug testing, security, competitors, closing ceremonies, their free perks, etc. etc. The Olympic Minister yesterday allayed all their fears with the simple phrase " She'll be right mate". A strange peace has now enveloped the entire committee. Is this the calm before the storm or the old ostrich attitude of; if you don't see it coming it doesn't hurt so much when it hits you!

There have been all the usual disasters that accompany an event of this magnitude (nepotism, corruption, incompetence, you name it, it has happened) but that will all be forgotten if we win plenty of medals, gold of course, the others don't count!

There is no denying the sense of anticipation that is now overtaking the nation. By the time you read this there will be less than four weeks to go and those that haven't finished their courses of performance enhancing drugs are cutting it fine. You will be caught, even if we have to add a bit to make the evidence conclusive.

Come one, come all, to the biggest, most expensive show on Earth, the Olympic Games here in Sydney, Australia. J.P. Ugly will be there having a beer and I hope you all are too.

G'day.
18 August 2000.

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