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J.P. Ugly's Pre-Olymic Report from Australia
Save The Horn Blow me daily
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Grillfest Estonia - The Debate Rages
As many of you are aware, the Ugly Brothers and the 3Men With Nothing Better to Do have been invited to participate in the landmark BBQ event, GrillFest Estonia 2000. We are striving to put together a hybrid of the two cooking teams which we hope will bring the traditions of American and South African BBQ to the 'Que starved citizens of Estonia. Our intentions are purely honorable as we hope to foster a love of Southern Style Barbeque in this portion of the former Soviet Union and thereby assist the transition to a western style democratic values.
This effort, while appluaded by a United Nations resolution, has raised the concerned eyebrows of a silent but strong portion of our patriotic American constituency. In the spirit of free speach we offer the below opinion of Ugly J.O. in hopes that we can debate this matter in a civilized forum and thereby avoid any potential dangers to the art of smoked swine as handed down by our fore-fathers. We thank all our supporters and critics in this effort and ask that any contributing comments to sent to:
19 May, 2000
It's been a while since my last communication to the Ugly Brothers when I wrote my political excerpt on Agrarianism in America. However, I now feel that we all as Ugly citizens must question the Ugly Brothers trip to Estonia. Estonia as we all are aware, is a former Leninist, Marxist eastern-hemispherical communistic country. We all must admire the desire of a few decent Estonians in their endeavour for BBQ, guns, liquor and red meat. Theirs is truly a benevolent exploit into decency. It is my chief concern however, that the Red menacing undertones of a Stalinist society is waiting to greet the Ugly Brothers upon their arrival. This would expose the Ugly's to a much higher degree of mediocrity than they would otherwise realize in the U.S. through our normal channels of mainstream liberal media and yellow journalism.
In short, it is my opinion that an exposure to such Facism could compromise the level of decency and thus the quality of of the swine that finds its way to the ugly bbq. It should come as no surprise for us to discover that the fat and grissle content of an Estonian swine would indeed be significantly higher than our own red-blooded, corn fed variety. This is a direct effect of poor nuclear containment policies as well as the half-assed mediocrites who strive for nothing better than what their marxist government has mandated for them on their hog farms.
Under the circumstances, I cannot endorse the potential demise of Ugly decency as we know it. I will therefore not contributeto the Estonian excursion. We all owe the Ugly Brothers a debt of gratititude for their ability to put society back on track by pummeling the liberal hacks who seek to prevent us all from eating meat. Furthermore, we thank the Uglies and the John Birch Society for culling out the billious Scoflaws and recalcitrant reprobates of modern liberalism who are determined to pass on their mediocrity and shortcomings to all of decent society. I would ask, that this be considered for posting on the Ugly Brothers website, as others may also render opinions on this matter.
J.P.'s Pre-Olympic Report
From: J.P. Ugly. Somewhere in Australia. 10 June, 2000
The largest group of athletes (beer drinkers) ever seen in Oz will soon arrive on our sunny shores as we (the Aussie drinker) prepare for that event to end all events, the Olympic Games. There was some talk when we first bought, sorry, won the right to host the Games, of turning it into some sort of sporting event. Well that rumour was soon quashed, although I believe there will be some selected sports taking place at various venues as entertainment.
We have been in bloody serious training for years now and we reckon we can whip all comers or fall over in the attempt. No can has been left unopened in our search for a champion team. Light beer has been banned at training sessions and we have now resorted to altitude training on the top floor of the local gym/pub ' The Chunder Arms'.
Selection trials for the national team took place over a one-week Drinkathon at Darling Harbour, Sydney. This venue was chosen basically for the fact that most of resultant pollution would be washed out to sea (and hopefully deposited on the coast of New Zealand). The provisional team is at present 5,170 so a number of ' Drink Offs' will be arranged before the final team of 4,890 is picked
The serious and contentious subject of drug testing has been addressed and the following policy set in place. Any contestant observed walking in a straight line (minimum distance 10 metres) will immediately be tested. If found to have blood/alcohol reading of less than 0.1 they will be disqualified. A slab (24 cans) of full-strength beer must accompany any appeal.
The Olympic Flame is now on the way from Greece, soon to arrive on our shore, it will travel round the country, lighting thousands of Olympic Bar-B-Qs before arriving in Sydney to light the big one!
Seats at all venues are now as rare as hen's teeth so bring your own fold-up chair or an esky.
Well I look forward to seeing heaps of foreign buggers over here come September. May the Games be a big success and the best team win (as long as they are one of ours)!
Save the Ales
We have stood proudly beside our British brothers of the Campaign for Real Ale (CAMRA) in their effort to bring traditionally brewed regional real ales back from the brink of extinction. We applaud the German brewers who maintain the standards of the Reinheitsgebot even though the European Community has deemed that those strict 300 year old purity laws be wiped from the books in order that inferior brews from other countries be marketed in the heart of Deutchland.
During our travels throughout the US, Europe and Australia, in pursuit of Barbeque perfection, we take every opportunity to sample the unique regional brews from the areas we visit. Our hearts swell with pride at the resurgence of our own regional American beers and we urge everyone to visit at least one Brew-Pub per day.
At this juncture however, we find ourselves somewhat at odds with our brothers from CAMRA. At issue is their motion to ban Irish Pubs from British soil. It is our opinion this fear of reverse colonialism is unfounded and in fact the greatest threat to traditional British ales still remains to be British culture itself. It was after all the British who invented and, to a large extent, still cling to the concept to the Tied House which can only serve the beer from the macrobrewery it is tied to. Stout drinkers from around the world acknowledge that Irelands Guinness Stout (and even Beamish & Murphys) are clearly superior to their British counterparts. If the British had paid more attention to Irish stout rather than trying to dominate Eireann's green shores than they would have mastered the art of Stout themselves. On this matter the Ugly Brothers say:
Finding the pig farm, an adventure into the agrarian lifestyle:
The Ugly Brothers will travel south on Archibald for 1-2 miles through an urban landscape before they will start to see dairys and agricultural enterprises. These agricultural entities represent the agrarian lifestyle; a more puritanistic lifestyle, superior in every way to our own pathetic city-dwelling existance.
Agrarianism, in its' true state, symbolizes the decent, law-abiding heritage that has become demonized by modern liberalism, Eastern-Hemispherical Marxism, the Red Menace in general and the mainstream liberal media. These forms of mediocrity seek to eliminate the essential agrarian values of Christianity, Guns, Liquor and Red-Meat. Not to mention 4X4's, v-8 motors and Waylon Jennings. So breathe deep my Ugly friends, and take in the dank stench of cattle, for it is the last bastion of Americana that we as decent citizens have to cling to.
submitted by Jay O
Save the Horn,
In Sierra Madre, homeplace of the Ugly Brothers, we have a pretty good lifestyle. No traffic lights, people park in the middle of the street for a chat, and our local volunteers are a source of great civic pride. The volunteers of the Sierra Madre Search & Rescue Team and the Sierra Madre Volunteer Fire Department are selfless in the sacrifices they make for our community and they are regarded as our heroes.
The SMVFD has a long history...... Before the days of pagers & cell phones the SMVFD was alerted by the blast of a horn on top of city hall. They worked out a code so that by the number of blasts the firemen would know what part of town to go to in the event of a fire. To ensure the system was working properly it was always tested at noon everyday. The "noon whistle" became a part of our lives and kind of a subconscious way of knowing that everything was as it should be. The noon blast has continued because it is now the official backup system in case of problems with radio transmissions.
We like our town, and so do other people but we have a real problem when these yahoos from other places come in and try to make our town like the ones they moved here from. Some of these transplants don't like our horn. In fact, bunch of these bozos were responsible for getting the noon whistle changed to 7:00pm and then, the ingrates were successful in having it banned outright! It seems it disturbed their vibes when they were sitting down for their frappe mocha whatever.
The answer seems obvious, these Johnny-come-lately's should stop honking their horns at us natives as we have our middle of the road chats and move to someplace where they have a paid fire department with a large enough budget that it doesn't have to depend on calling volunteers to help fight their fires. It is time for all native Sierra Madreans to stand up for their birthright and say with pride.... blow me daily!
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